Shanda!

How could this be?! Isn't this obstensibly a JEWISH parody carnival? Not neccessaririly the Godol Hador's kefirah post is winning so far in the CRIB for best post! KEFIRAH!!

First of all, why aren't any of my posts up there? Did Jameel exclude me because I'm against settlements? Hey - I love the Muqata. I think its a great place to live. I just dont understand this. An audiopost and outright kefirah are winning, while all the great discussion that goes on on this blog is completely ignored. Even CrossedCurrents has a post in there! Well, thats it - Im giving my own awards out, and we even have prizes: DovBear the Humble's Branches from the Treehouse.

DovBear the Humble's Treehouse Branch for Best Commenter: Blueenclave.

DovBear the Humble's Treehouse Branch for Most Kefirahdik Blog: NNTGH.

DovBear the Humble's Treehouse Branch for Lying Through His Teeth: Purim Ezzie.

DovBear the Humble's Treehouse Branch for Lying A Lot About Me: MustardMan. Twice.

DovBear the Humble's Treehouse Branch for Best Cartoon: Orthomom...Not.

Congratulations to all the winners!!

Where's the Whine?

Amazing - the CRIB Awards have been going on for seconds already, and CrossedCurrents still hasn't put out a mass mailing asking people to vote for them because of the importance of supporting their "cause". This is not only surprising, but astounding. But I'm sure they'll later accuse us all of cheating - again.

And who wants to bet Yaakov Bencken complains about the lack of media coverage of their finish, no matter what it is? Of course, it's just that ACLU-liberalloving-homosexuallydriven baised media, so what else can we expect?

Ahem

Make the effort. Do the right thing.

Vote.

I know clicking on a link, and entering the word "DovBear the Humble" on a comment thread may stretch the technological skills of some of the readers here, but why not do me this one favor? Vote here. And those few of you who prefer other Jewish paody blogs have no excuse: I am the only one who has asked you to vote for me so far!

VOTE DOVBEAR THE HUMBLE

Thanks and im yirtza hashem by you.

Purim Ezzie Lies

First, he has the nerve to attack me personally.

Quick note on DovBear The Humble's style so everything might come a bit clearer:

If all else fails you can try the Dovbear method. Say something pretty far out or very nasty that you don't really mean. Wait until you are demolished in the comments and take a tiny baby step back. Or quickly add another four posts.

Um, hello? THIS is the fourth post since that one, and its over a day later. And neither you nor CWY or Nephtuli or anyone else 'demolished' me in the comments. The only dumb comment in the last few days was on his blog.

Now why did you have to go and make another Cheney hunting joke? It wasn't a big deal! It wasn't information we needed to have, anyway.

Only someone as dumb as PurimEzzie could think that the Vice President of the United States shooting someone in the face is not a big deal.

And this is really dumb.

Condi Rice is black. Ha! See DBTH? You can't be racist and black at the same time.

Ha! I see Jews who hate Jews all the time! I wouldn't call them Uncle Jakes, but that's kind of what they are. Why would blacks be any different? Unless of course you're a racist. What a rediculous sentance to right.

Thinking Republicans (there are a few!) know that what your saying is bogus, meant to undercut loyal dissent and honest debate. The charge of racism against me though that PE says in his post has a way of sticking. This is a mistake. I am simply synthasizing what I know with the facts on the ground. Condi Rice is a racist, and PurimEzzie is an idiot.

GodolHador, The Christian Missionary

This is getting rediculous. Not Neccesarily the Godol Hador has posted yet another k*f*r*h-d*k post, this time espousing the greatness of jewsforjesus.

Of course, idiots like DovBear will say that this is "too Christian." Please. Don't make me laugh. Chochmoh bagoyim taamin (oh. I forgot. DovBear doesn't believe in Chazal). And although some might find some of this stuff kiruv clowny, it does sort of make sense. Of course, I don't need some kiruv clown to tell what's pashut -- there are four Gods!!!

What a k*f*r!! First, he gets all hung up on this FGT theory, now he's using the Trinity as a rayah!? What's next, a PBS character as G-d?

Next thing you know, hes gonna say that one of the four g-ds flooded New Orleans, not President Bush. What a k*f*r.

Moshe's Missing Part II

Earlier we discussed why moshe's missing from this week's parsha (or is it last week's?) now we're going to give an explanation that doesnt need any extra conversations with moshe and G-d that aren't written in the torah.

Maybe the reason moshe isn't written about in this part of the torah is because... there was nothing to say about him! plus, if you remember that moshe himself wrote the torah after being divinely inspired by G-d, you'll realize that this makes the most sense. Historian David Irving says that G-d doesn't normally talk to people, and I believe him with no emperical evidence to the contrary.

Or maybe Moshe simply felt guilty. As he was writing everything, he's like, "Man, my name is in here a lot. But if I take it out once, it will look like G-d wrote it and took my name out once as a punishment or something! Sweet!" Either way, it's a whole lot better than relying on some fantastical midrash when you don't have to. Right Alex?

Is it perfect? Of course not. Nothing is perfect. However, the obvious benefit of this approach is that it gives us a way to reconcile the facts of the Torah with the facts of history and the facts of archeology. Yes, it means ignoring midrashim and Rashi and mesorah, but this alteration is fully in keeping with the accepted meaning of the heteronym and avoiding using crazy rabbinic stories.

Moshe's Missing Part I

In one of the parshiyos around now there's something horribly missing. Moshe's name. When I was in yeshiva or NCSY or camp or YU or Chaim Berlin or wherever I was, I was taught by my teacher that Rashi says this is because Moshe asked Hashem - that's asked Hashem - to take his name out of the Torah if He didnt want to forgive bnei yisroel for their sins. Hashem took out his name from one parsha instead. Something like that, anyway.

But how stupid does my teacher think I am, anyway? Everyone knows that they used to only read a few psukim a week and take like three years to finish the torah. do you seriously think that moshe's name appeared every week when they lained like that?

and why did Rashi feel the need to go for such an outrageous pshat? I can think of a great answer, and you should come back in a couple minutes to see what it is. i have to go to the bathroom right now.

Hey!

I see that there was a complaint about this blog elsewhere. Normally, i wouldn't even pay any attention to something like this, but since it raised some very serious issues, I'm going to discuss it now.

I'll tell you what I didn't like about DovBear's Treehouse: (1) he's arrogant. If you all don't see that for what it is (ie: arrogance) I feel bad for you and (2) he doesn't hat-tip. That hurt.

The rest of it was pretty good.

The guy who did GH was spot on, but he could have and should have been a whole lot meaner. Like the guy who did me was.
dovbear | 03.07.06 - 3:55 pm |

Hey! My sidebar says I don't hat tip! Who does this dovbear (great name, btw) guy think he is?! But any longtime reader of this blog knows that I give hat tips all the time - more often than any other blogger, in fact. I dont know how that got in my template but its probably a conpiracy by the theocon GOPJews to make me look bad for no reason. In fact, both of the posts before this have links in them. this is just some moron being stupid and trying to ruin my reputation.

Next thing you know theyre going to say i cant spell. Well, any longtime reader of this blog knows that I DONT REALY CARE. And to those who dont like the tone of my posts, well, thats just too bad. I write this way because i enjoy it, and if you dont get the sarcasm, I dont care. Go eat some kugel or something.

And you're definitely not getting into my Hall of Fame, even with your great name.

I am not arrogant, and don't think I'm better than anyone else*. It's all part of the shtick here at DovBear's Treehouse. Heck, look at my name! DovBear the Humble!

* (Except GH, CWY, Toby Katz, GOPJews, Ezzie, Yaakov MenCken, and a few other idiots. But those don't count, they're part of the shtick. Plus, I'm not better per say, they're just not all that bright - it's not their fault, though. I actually get along really well with all of them off the blogs. I even invited Toby to the RenReb vs. Shifra mud-wrestling contest that I'm judging!)

Condi Rice, Racist?

Of course she is! First she claims she won't run for President - clearly sexist, not wanting a woman in office - then she says she wants to run the NFL instead. But anyone who reads the news from reputable sources, not the Wall Street Journal like Ezzie, knows that the NFL is a big racist organization controlled by Halliburton.

Now they don't even want to take Vince Young, the hero of the national championship game, because he's black. He scored a 6 on the Wonderlic test, which basically is a lot of really hard problem-solving that black people have never had to do and it's not right to expect of them. Young is a football player, not a mathemitician! Look at this quote.

"We expected [Young] to score somewhere in the neighborhood of Vinny Testaverde, Ben Roethlisberger, or Brett Favre—instead, he tested more like a Randall Cunningham, Donovan McNabb, or Michael Vick," said a source within the Atlanta Falcons organization, who asked not to be identified. "At this juncture, we are uncomfortable saying this poor-testing quarterback can take us to the next level."

How biased is that?! They expected him to score in the neighborhood of a bunch of white guys, and are disappointed that he scored like a black guy? That would be like expecting a GOPJew to not bathe himself in oil profits. Or expecting Bush to pronounce nuclear.

These are the people Condileeza Rice Patties wants to work with - racist pigs. I won't call her an Oreo, but it's an apt description.

And the Houston Texans are a bunch of liars.

"He's a Houston native, he can make all the throws, has a great ability to see down the field, and there's no denying he brought the NCAA championship back to the great state of Texas. But at this club, we have high intellectual standards. We believe that the fans in Houston deserve someone who can at least match his jersey number on a problem-solving test."

Um, this is Texas? Everyone knows people in Texas are dumb. The fans dont even know how to match jersey numbers on problem-solving tests. And they won just 2 games last year with a white quarterback! They just don't want Young because he's black, even if hes a winner.

Link

A Really Long Title About Nothing, Because It Really Doesn't Make Any Difference At All

I can't believe what I'm seeing at GH. First, his counter is at like 800 million gazillion, because he cheats and counts page views and not hits. Can you believe that? This is what happens when you go off the derech because your to busy believing in souls and other nonsense.

and now he's believing in four gods! What a kofer! Next thing you know, he'll be changing his name to God-Ol Hador: "Taking the yoke of the generation on his shoulders." of course, if its all just Myth/Moshol, then maybe its okay. But GH is never okay - I know, because Mis-Nagid told me so.

Us real skeptics have to stick together against this nonsense. We all know what really happened: David HaLivni told us! Now that's what I call masorah!

Testing

Nothing to see yet...

don't look.

no really. don't look. Because there's nothing here to see yet. Did GH send you? RR?

Once again, they're wrong.

And I'm right.